my skills are deteriorating. i need to be motivated!

focus, focus: you are going to buy a car.

-----------------
i am chlorine drenched.

codename: luv luv

im crying. im tired of saying i love you when i dont here them back. i'v been staying up late and waking up early waiting for your call. its been more than a week since i last heard your voice. you havent reacted to any of my messages.

after reading this, dont you dare make up excuses that im saying this just because i want to. im saying this because i need to. because i feel you tearing yourself away from me. you weren't like this when i wasnt planning on going there. now that im planning to go, to be with you, you dont talk. i feel as if you're avoiding me. i hate that feeling.

mama wont be going anymore. she said she'll rather save up for my med school bills and condo unit. she asks if you're going home anyway. that if you are, then it would be cheaper for you to not have me visit you. i know you're having trouble with your finances, so i wont pressure you even if i want to go there. honestly, i even feel you dont want me there.

yes, im jealous. but then hey! proximity is the top category for 'love'. probably you're liking someone who's close to you there. that you seem to be losing love for me because im so far. i get that. right now im isolating myself to the world so that i dont get too close with anyone. but i have this eerie feeling you're starting to love someone else. either im overly neurotic or you're just too busy to wrestle with my emotions right now.

i just hope, for decency, you tell me if you dont love me anymore.
because i love you more than ever.

now tell me. will i be seeing you this feb?

yours always,
jai

--------------------
why do i love you? this time, i wont be the one letting go.

i enjoyed the Zodiac film.
its fun to see nerdy writers act all cool like that.
well, on film at least.

probably, i have a thing for movies in old settings. i like em better than special effects of today. GATTACA is an exception of course. they did look like they were stuck in the 60s or sumthn naman.

movie comment enter:
GATTACA. why is Uracil out of this film's title anyway? if we're that so much advance, wouldnt we find something like an RNA component to atleast counter-act some of the bad DNA stuff? wouldnt be a CUAAUGU seque to the moviel be nice? i mean, its hard to pronounce, but its worth a long shot. maybe, just maybe, people would get curious and see the movie bec of its weird title. lol. too much angle i guess.
note: if you have difficulty in understanding me words, refresh on your purines and pyrimidines

and we return:
how much am i a loser?! i was really in to the movie. my blood was seriously in a rush. research definitely has a future. yes. that did sound nerdy. its exciting when people read your work, but its cooler to make a movie about you writing the book. haha! i just wish i can make that happen.

hmmm.. unsolved cases seem to be a fun topic to keep my hands full.
---------------

enough day dreamin' dear. you have to report back at headquarters tomorrow morning. that really sounded cool. if the truth wasnt told.

but it will though. above italicized translation:
better finish stacking those flash cards for tomorrow's sayk-arki research meeting. you better prepare a great excuse for not finishing everything.

oooo
i shall have you under me spell!
just flo man..
lalalala!
ezy

yesterday i came to inquire about the fatima med skul program.
after a few minutes of standing stupidly at one side of the office, i ended up paying for an app fee, filling up an app form and waiting for an interview.

the interview lasted only a few minutes. its quite obvious for me now to assume that being a UP student, especially being a diliman personality has its advantages. without a blink, the interviewer told me that fatima usually accept UP students regardless of their undergrad course AND grades.

wow. i cant believe i can receive an ego boost just like that. haha! i actually took it as a complement. at least some people think im wonderful.

fun exchange quotes:
here are some excerpts from the interview...

the opening statement
him: oh! you from UP.. UP diliman!
me: err. yes sir.
inside me: uh, ok. so does this mean im accepted already?

note: questions are pre-determined with the interviewer noting my answers

the doctor
him: why do you want to be a doctor?
me: because my mom is one.
him: aside from your mom, what other reasons?
me: i want to save lives. (i was staring directly into his eyes while answering. why? i don't know.)
inside me: err. what kind of question is that? i sound cheesy. did i really meant it? demit. more cheesy-ness. fine.. i did nalang.

looking at my app form.
him:you havent applied for any other med skul?
me: no sir.
him: do you plan to apply for any other med skul?
me: no sir.
him: what? why?
me: huh? (as in sinabi ko toh)
him: (stunned, smiling) why fatima?
me: why not? - with a smile (syet. why in the world did i say, let alone smile at, this?)
him: (pausing first) yes, why not. (pauses, looks up and then continues) but still, why fatima?
me: i feel fatima is competent enough to provide and prepare me blah blah blah blah...

yes. i actually have no plans in applying to other med skuls. laziness maybe, but probably because i need to retrieve my sense of self-worth. haha! il continue being a goddess there. asa.

the interview ended soon-enough. as it ended my interviewer gave me these parting words:
"so what can i say? we usually take in UP students regardless.....(read above). UP graduates here are usually our top performers academically. sila madalas sinasabak namin sa board exam and mnmold namin to top. kasi, along the way siguro they say na oo nga pla, UP nga pala ako.. diba? so if you're sure you want to enroll, you can do so starting.. well, tomorrow if you like"

leaving fatima, i had these thoughts swimming around:
i miss having uniforms pala. NOT!
why did the interview guy accepted my claim of being a UP student just like that? i didnt even bring ANY proof i even existed.. lol.

----------------
i was supposed to come back today but the traffic yesterday sucked up all my powers. ill be there tomorrow cguro.

bakit hindi?
---------------------

i felt a brain artery strain just now thinking of where to begin.

entering medical school, in reality is just as hard as wanting to enter college. yes. this is the truth. people my age just seem to tire of studying and eventually fall in this i-want-independence mantra and look for a job. no offense really, i respect you. but me wanting to study more is just an excuse to stay away from independence.

my application essay ended with a "what better way to help others but to become a doctor?" seemed amazing to some maybe.. but i can actually re-word it into any profession i want as long as i can argue well.. (and i know i can)

why become a doctor?
to save lives.
to be able to hold a sacred thing in my hands - life.
to be God's tool to help people.
but ultimately, probably because i just wanted to be a doctor longer than i can remember.

------------------
but why fatima? >> can't help but question my judgement as if i did it out of the blue. ms. scarlet, don't worry, i wasn't referring to you.. well, partly you but a lot of people are questioning me about it really. i understand i need not justify my actions but i guess it would be fun to write about it anyway.
------------------

my reasons of why im enrolling at fatima med skul
(in no particular order)

+fatima is just as good as any other medical school. if i wanted to, we would read the same books and stuff. it has a hospital just beside it. me watching sick people plus doctors equals a good playing field.

+fatima is cheaper. its tutition is less than 65k a semester. lower than any 'ave' med skul. dont give me that why-not-PGH-eyebrow. UP is indeed cheap. but i havent made the cut-off for the NMAT (i took it last april) or are my grades that wonderful. also, i became too lazy to re-take the NMAT. i passed. sayang yung 2thousand.
info trivia:
here are the NMAT score requirements and tuition stuff:
UP - 90 (well, its more like a 96 actually) - bsta mura yung tuition
UST - 65 --80k
UE - 45 --80k
FEU - 45 --80k
nevermind skuls (yes, including fatima) - no NMAT requirement --tuitions vary
anyway, i didnt enroll in a 'review class' & i took it just once. lol. i didnt even study for it. (dont nod at me since i regret not having prepared) anyway, obviously i qualify for all schools aside from UP. so why take it again?

+i need to redeem my self-esteem. i need to be known. to be distinct.i refuse to compete with other people that stress me out. UP students are all amazingly great. migrations from UP end up in UE and FEU (no offense). im just too tired. im generally a competitive person. competing with people who i cannot beat is just too hard. i know im better than most people. in UP i lost that belief. i need it back and fatima will help me. my stability is of far greater importance than anyone else's belief.

+fatima does not "kick-out" students. mind you, they do keep their standards. professors there are from UP, FEU and UE. you definitely have a high probability of failing, but they wont kick you out of a program like some sick sorry puppy. my translation: less pressure and frustration.

+fatima is affiliated with institutions in the US and is recognized by the state of New York, Illinois and Chicago. aside from UP, this is the only school accredited by a US state. if i cannot be in UP, then i'll settle for this. nevermind what my MD friends think. 10 years from now, let's see if you're lightyears away from me. ill answer that myself. we'll probably be on the same level. no dying person would ask "doc, san ka grad?" if you pass the board exam, then you have learned enough to be allowed to treat sniffles and back-aches. (yes of course its more than that)

+the 4 years of medicine is only for memories. who do you want to share med skul life with and stuff. after that, you still have to go into residency training. now this residency training is actually where you learn the bulk of your knowledge. med skul is just books. internship and residency training is where you get experience. if i want to be in UP so badly, i can still do so. ill be a resident at PGH. its a no brainer. PGH need doctors. easy. point: memories is what you make of it.

+fatima picks out a pool of top-performing students and train them for the medical board exam. the school has been topping the boards since the late 90s. damn, i want to be on that list

+if i do great here, ill make my parents proud.

+the fatima environment relaxes me (well, seems to anyway..)

------------------
ive still a lot more reasons.
but this article is too long already.
im just sleepy.
good luck to me!
-----------------

ive no topic of my own so ive decided to browse other people's pages and react. so instead of placing comments to their blogs, iv decided to post it here.

-miss, the pictures you post are really great. ive some problem with your entries tho.. its white in a cluttered-dominantly-white-background. i hope i could read them without highlight.

-sir, seriously, this blog is cursed! everytime you post, it seems you're becoming more and more unstable. i get it, you hate everyone. i wish you'd have happy days.

-miss, you are NOT fat. i am actually 20 Kg heavier than you and i consider myself chubby. lol. oh well, as long as you're happy. im just not fit to be all conscious just yet.

-sir, hmmm. have you tried going to the gutenberg project site? la lang, endless classic book stuff.

-miss, why are you bitter-sweet? ur ex-bf clearly just wants to have your attention.

-sir, i doubt calling yourself lame wouldnt make you appealing. or would it? well, for me at least, it wouldnt.

-miss, why would you announce the 'pausing' of your entries?

--------------
i dont think that was such a good idea.
---------------

im now officially enrolled for med skul this june.
complete with frustrations and financial difficulties.
i gain a condo but my allowance is to be cut. mama said so.
boo!
i need to hasten my article production powers.

im scourging for medical books
so far i have Harper's Biochemistry by Murray (err? yes, that is correct. Harper's by Murray), physiology textbooks by Guyton and Ganong and the 4th Ed of Family Medicine by Rakel.

can anyone help? i need:
Grant's atlas of anatomy by Agur
Clinical Ana... by Snell
Wheater's func histology by young, barbara
clinical neuroana by young&young
basic histo by junquiera
human embryology by lange
manter and gatz essentials of clinical neuroana & neurophysio

---------------------
let us target the 100% scholarship.

i ritually sleep at around 4am.. or later when the sun has risen and mama wakes up to tell me to go to sleep.

i wake up around 1pm. not a professional bum tho. i manage to still be useful as my mom's typist. watakarir eh? i take a swim whenever the suns up and i feel like it.

daydream voice:
whenever i float (on water), i see nothing except the smog that covers Taguig. the view sucks, but atleast i have time to arrive in a state of blankness.. zen. lol.

i painted my nails silver around 2 weeks ago. obviously by now its chipping off. i didnt realize my nail polish was of good quality (it magically caught my attention when i stopped to buy candies). anyway, i cant seem to remove the remains of this silver nail paint off 5 of my fingers.
note: they are not on the same hand.

--------------
im literally pirating a textbook. bad. but it'll only cost me 350pesos plus ink. im really sorry dear authors. i promise ill buy a hard copy of ur books in the future. sinusumpa ko.

betty, my pet dog stuff toy needs a bath.
i dont think she'd like it though
at least there's no barking. haha!

this should be under the fatima is just like any other medical school category:

the science of medicine doesnt really care where you graduate or not. its different from law or engineering or anthropology graduates where people generally ask where you got your degree since the more prestigious your institution, the more credible you are.

when you're a doctor, people just ask your field of specialization or, if they're more curious, where you had your residency training. you most certainly dont talk about how many patients died on his/her table.

there are doctors who rarely treat terminal diseases and there are those who are always faced with the fact that their patient has a 50-50 chance of surviving.

i have yet to see someone rushed into the emergency room asking his/her doctor where she graduated; or someone scheduled for surgery (because if s/he doesnt right now s/he'll die) request someone who graduated from some hot shot school be the one to perform surgery.

of course, graduating with a "laude" is a plus, as with having a top place on the board exam.

------------
again obviously, this is justification.
------------

doctors study in a classrom for 3 years or less. the remaining years are spent inside the hospital. these are considered as 'lab work' or sumthin.

anyway, this is just partial of my thoughts on it.

how i missed typing that.
no reason really.
just wanted to.

i've been viewing old music vidz i have cluttered inside my pc. im kind of in love with voices instead of the artists. take 'the callin' guy and the 'creed' person. sorry. i really do not know of their names. but i do love their music. i don't seem to have the heart to delete their vidz. wahaha. [stuck in high school]

i know im having transference issues, but i cant seem to lose this feeling of wanting to apply for the BAU of the FBI. the Criminal Minds series is just uber kewl. thing is, i wont be able to raise a child if im with that unit. haha! i have to lose this feeling soon.

there are very few people whom i respect.
dont get me wrong. i do 'like' a lot of people. in fact, i rarely hate people.
some people have managed to prove themselves worthless. some just haven't proven themselves to be respected yet

jai babbles on: but i dont not like them guess that's part of my being in this psych state of mind where i always think they are that way only because of some reason.
there's always a reason.

but there are a chosen few whom i actually call 'astig'.

this morning, a certain someone managed to place himself in my 'i respect these people list': gen. razon of the pnp.
for those who dont know him, he's currently the chief of the philippine national police.


leadership by example.

government offices hold their flag ceremonies during mondays. this includes the pnp. duirng these 'ceremonies' they often invite a speaker, a guest, who would deliver a speech for them. probably to inspire or sumthin.

anyway, this morning, crame's speaker was secretary ermita. (he's the current secretary of national defense).
while the sec was about to start his speech, a drizzle started. during his speech, it started raining. you know how people are allergic to rain. you dont want to get wet if you didnt plan on getting wet.

so here was the formation of crame police officers listening to ermita's speech while raining. the group was getting restless, as if wanting to run away and hide under some sort of rain-proof structure. but gen razon did something, which i believe was amazing.

he was sitting near where ermita was giving a speech. now this part of the place was obviously covered with sumthn to keep the VIPs rain-free.

then razon stood up, walked towards the formation and placed himself in front of ermita. under the rain. almost drenched, everyone kept their places until ermita finished his speech.

amazing, i thought.
i cant believe there are people like him left in the military world.

waaaaaah.

i thought i was in for a romantic korean movie.

i was so busy figuring out how to make the subtitles work that i randomly pressed a scene from this dvd. waaaaaaaaaaaaaah. i never cried all out like this since 'the notebook' movie. guess what? i clicked on sad movie. i was laughing at first *sniff* cause it had the usual korean funny-ness *sniff* and i didnt expect it to be so sad at the end.

sad movie is really a sad movie.

in 2hrs, they managed to have a man killed in a fire accident, a mom die of cancer, a guy leave a mute girl, a guy get dumped. the last one was the guy from 'sassy girl'.

waaaaah. i wanted a hug before i watched this.
waaaaah. i need a hug now.

beware of the priest who shoots people... with water.

mama have always been a church-goer. with that i mean more than 2x a week. at least.
anyway, since we moved residence here in bicutan, we now go to our lady of the holy rosary parish to attend mass.

quick trivia:
i have only one sibling: my kid sister bien.
we both have birthdays on mama mary's feast day.
bien - oct 7: feast of our lady of the holy rosary
me - feb11: feast of our lady of lourdes
i was even born on the our lady of lourdes hospital. (it was a hospital holiday and a lot of people were off. haha!)

mama went to mass last evening. she came home wet. hahahaha! she told me the priest 'shot' her with that holy-water-squirting-thingy first at her forehead and then on her head. mama was literally dripping wet when she came home. my theory is that 'father' is actually on target practice, you know, for recreation. hahahaha!

mama said a man saw her get all drenched but didnt laugh. the guy, according to mama, just stared. if i was there, i would have laughed loudly. or not. it all depends if 'father' wants to aim at me if i do such a thing.

oist. funny how you can sound that off just by reading it.

i was home (la union) this past few days and nothing much happened.

i live a very boring life.

did i mention im back here in bicutan once more?

later i will squat in gil and apol's teacher's vill apt.

my transcript must surface!

PUGAD sayk alumni homecoming 2007 kagabi.
fun night. mr. full metal alchemist's birthday today. we greeted him err. last night? after 12.

as always, i was into a lot of bloopers this week. the most noteworthy would be 'accidentally' leaving my bag with my wallet, all my IDs, a camera and a cp in it...

guess where? at McDo.

tnx to mr.self-proclaimed-jai's-driver, we came back after 20 mins. and found that nobody took notice of the lonely grayish green bag lying on top of a table. i guess it looked too ragged (ahem, dirty? dusty?) to attract other people's attention.

i almost always have these 'near-losing-things' experiences. but i rarely lose things. (well, not counting the car keys i dropped at a beach party last month)

aha!
--------------

we're going to a fortune teller tomorrow!

belated merry christmas to all!

after-christmas shopping is wonderfully cheap on the pockets! yeye!

i need a good plot.

the h-city car arrived today.

its official. the old kia is mine. oh well. i want it sold. hahaha. ill settle for a big scooter-like transpo for medskul.
------------

we'll be heading home tomorrow afternoon!
new year in la union.

i miss home.